tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
