My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
