Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
