a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
