she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize