hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
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If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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