i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
