even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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