I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
