He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
