No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
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I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
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Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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