i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
