Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
