i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
