mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
