I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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