On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
