Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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