I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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