If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
