3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
