I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
