I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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