I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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