One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
