put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
