he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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