Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
