I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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