somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
