She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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