I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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