I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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