if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
