allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
