just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
