she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
