i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
