8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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