I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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