If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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