i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just threw up on my dentist
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
