she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
