and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
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The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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