my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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