What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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