In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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