how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
