how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
