pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
