My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
