Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
