I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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