roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
