the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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