so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
